Like a wave

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Should I or should I not? Like picking off flower petals, wishing for the last petal to determine the right decision, my mind was, in step with pedalling, racing back and forth between the two options. Joyful anticipation was mixed with insecurities and fear. It was a beautiful Spring day. The flowers were blooming and the birds were free and singing so sweetly. But I was still locked up in my cage, not knowing how to get out.

I had been looking forward to this day for so long. With all my heart and soul I loved singing. I had been singing in a Christmas Gospel project a couple of times. Several of the girls there told me that they were taking singing lessons with the choir director, who happened to have a Vocal School. I had never before known that one could actually learn singing. Either one could sing or one couldn`t, I thought. A desire grew in me to also take lessons.

It took me longer than I had planned to start taking singing lessons. First I wanted to prepare myself by doing some self-learning. So I bought a „Singing for dummies“ book along with a singing CD programme. At the same time, I got some health issues to deal with. I was getting weaker and weaker and thought that I might as well just forget about the lessons. But the Lord had better plans in store for me. I got the right treatment and my health improved. Very soon I also booked my first lesson.

There was more than one reason why I thought singing lessons would benefit me. For more than five years I had been writing my own songs. Only on very rare occasions had I dared to share them. And when I did, I always felt so nervous and insecure that my performance turned out terrible. Still I was carrying this dream and desire with me, that had, in some mysterious way, been planted like a seed within. It was growing, but it was a very vulnerable seed which I thought I`d better hide.

Maybe it was the awareness of Spring ,and new life awakening everywhere, that had this vigorous effect on me. Beside being exited about my first lesson, I longed to tell my teacher about my desire which I dreamed of putting into reality. But I was so afraid and I didn`t know if I should dare to unveil it.

My lesson started and I was surprised by finding myself singing one of the songs I had written. I felt so embarrassed... But, if that wasn`t enough, I suddenly found myself completly unveiling the cover of my cage to reveal my secret. Bluntly, I announced; „ I am here to learn singing because I want to make a CD“.I was startled at myself and sunk into dispair.

On the way back on my bicycle, my mind was nervously racing back and forth trying to figure out how I could get out of my predicament. I must have made a weird impression on my vocal teacher. He must have thought that I was crazy to come up with such a statement in my first lesson.

By the time I got home, I had made up my mind. In my next lesson I would give my vocal teacher the explanation that I had been somewhat overzealous in my first lesson. Of course I was not going to make a CD. I would never be good enough for that.......

Fortunately, it didn`t turn out that way. Something happened that night that shook me to the core.I was somewhere between sleeping and waking when all of a sudden God spoke to me. He asked me; „Why are you so undecided like a wave at sea? Why don`t you trust me?“ I was literally trembling after I had heard Him. Imagine, the God of the universe had spoken to me! Straight after that, I heard a new song; Melody, some lyrics and full orchestra was in there. I could hear myself singing to it; „ I won`t turn left nor right. I will trust the Lord“. By the time the music stopped, I was wide awake. The reverent fear of the Lord was over me. In deep regret, I repented of my unbelief. And I made a vow that night, that I have never regetted; I would make the CD and I would trust the Lord that He would make it possible:-)
Almost five years has now passed since that day. The Lord has been faithful and trustworthy. I can hardly believe that I`m actually in the process of making the CD now. It took a while and it was necessary to spend time on learning to sing and write songs. The Lord was all the while also molding me to prepare me for the task. Everything had to be in His time! But how stupid I would have been if I had not taken this road and if I had not trusted God! We sing „Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him by His Word“ in one lovely old hymn, and it is so true! I have finally opened up my cage, and I`m ready to fly......